Jeremy happy & loving

 Building the teepee was huge but Jeremy did a lot of just amazing things before we came to Omaha.  Wow. That really was The End. Not just the Beginning of the end... when Mom went into the hospital Jeremy went up there with me every day and every nurse was in love with him.  Mike was putting wheat grass in Mom's feeding tube and Jeremy would stand at the counter grinding it into a liquid form for hours every day.  Once, when a room full of doctors couldn't figure out how to get Mom's oxygen mask to work, Jeremy pushed his way through them and figured out how to make it work.  All of this is why all of the nurses at that hospital were in love with Jeremy.  They practically bowed to him when he walked by them and then stared at him with jealous,  love sick eyes. Seriously.  When Mom died Jeremy was the Only Person I had to lean on or even care that I was in pain.  Mom's dying wishes were that I promise to stay with Jeremy and that I take care of her Koi. After she died Jeremy spent all day digging a 2 foot deep, 6 feet long, kidney shaped pond for her Koi on Barefoot's property.  There was a pond liner laying around that he was digging to fit.  It was beautiful.  💕 I was with a man 22 years younger than me who would do anything and everything to make me happy.  I didn't even ask him to dig that pond. Then I just mentioned how I had always wanted to experience living in a teepee and he built one the next morning.  Things like that are amazing in more than one way.  He got up that morning and went walking around and just happened to find the 24 foot rebar and huge canvas sheets.  Like it was all meant to be.  When I said it would be nice to have a bath he found a big plastic barrel and cut it lengthwise and made a bath that day.  It all felt like magic, like more than just "meant to be". The first time we made a desert he cut it in two,  eyed it, and gave me the larger piece, just surprising the hell out of me!! NO MAN I had ever been with before would have done that.  And I would have agreed with them.  The man was bigger and always the most important.  When the kids were little and we didnt have enough food, I would just feed them and Steve and not eat.  Once for days. Steve never objected and I honestly never thought to expect differently.  Until Jeremy. No, I still thought that he was Wrong but I was just enchanted that he did it.  Ad he didn't do it for that reaction.  He did it just because he thought it should be that way.  Just amazing❣️ Jeremy put me first in every situation. I definitely put him first,  too!! I did Everything I could to make him Happy.  I wrote to Barefoot in prison, paid off the taxes on his property so he wouldn't lose it, and put money on his books. Not because I cared about or even liked Barefoot! I did it because Barefoot was important to Jeremy. I learned to help Jeremy through his seizures and showed him how to get County help for his medication. I walked with him, sometimes over 10 miles a day! until we found bicycles to ride to the county clinic and the blood bank.  Then we biked all over Houston. He tried to continue taking care of me after we came to Omaha but I made it almost impossible, I definitely made it miserable for him. I still tried to put him first but, after we came to Omaha, it became "Love me Love my daughters" - who treat you like shit.  Yes, I always defended Jeremy,  but why the hell did I ever put up with them attacking him?? I insisted that he take care of them and their children for the next 20 years. Yes, I constantly gave him an out,  would tell him that he should go,  be his young self, find someone to start his own family with, and get out of this mess.  But Mom was correct when she said that Here was a man who would never desert me.  Even if staying with me was killing him.  NOW he sees how the responsibility of all of us was crushing him. Almost destroyed him. Maybe I could have come "home" to Nebraska and all of them and not kiss their asses like I did, and maybe we could have stayed happy after moving here. But again,  more likely I should have preserved us and never come back here.  Jami, who, when we visited for the birth of Jenise,  dumped me at a hospital in liver failure and threw Jeremy out, she instigated us freezing on Jess's porch and allegedly instigated the visit after Mom died. Well, Jess says Jami Made Her ignore me at the funeral, BUT I made eye contact with Jess several times that day,  held her gaze hoping to see SOMETHING,  and just got a blank stare, and I never asked Jami if that was true. Anyhow,  that same Jami begged me to return.  Said she was in labor with a baby I didn't know she was pregnant with and strung out on drugs and needed me here to help her. I begged Jeremy to let me return alone but he insisted on coming with me.  He was terrified that I would end up living on the street here alone again.  He had seen enough to not trust any of my daughters with me.  He Was So Right.  I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN TEXAS WITH HIM.  Coming back to my family Killed Us. I just hope it didn't completely kill the amazing guy I knew those first years in Texas. I think I see him rebounding. He feels terrible that staying so long left me too old to find a companion for now, my old age,  but at least I am still me.  I haven't seen who he was in over 10 years.  I think I am guiltier than him.  I KNEW he should leave us but when he would refuse I would just accept it. I wasn't forceful or even firm about it needing to happen until last year.  When he broke his promise about not having a "girlfriend" and especially about not letting anyone know he was out trying to get laid - we agreed he would have to leave if those things happened and I stood firm for once.  I almost caved a dozen times before he actually left.  Almost begged him to come back dozens more times after he was gone!! That was part of why I insisted that he take EVERYTHING of his and go. To make it all too final to take back.  When he reached out to me through Facebook I responded right away,  that surprised the hell or of him after the way I acted to force him to leave!! I had to know that he was ok. I didn't really expect him to ever realize that I did it all for his own good but he did - that was why he reached out. He knew that we still loved each other. But he felt HUGE relief to not feel responsible for ALL of us any more.  He wasn't even 30 years old when he stepped into a life with 3 adult temperamental daughters,  3 grandchildren and 3 more popping out the third year we were here who ALL ended up living with us.  We were juggling 3 babies, then toddlers in carseats, packing good lunches (that we spent all our money on!) for 6 picky kids, driving them to school and sometimes all crammed in a 2 bedroom place.  When Jeanette was getting indicted we all moved into her nasty basement to be able to support everyone.  Oh, but when we first got here,  and Jami ended up gettinh kicked out of Mikey's house, and us,  too, Pat and Jess kindly let us in their house this time. (Instead of letting us freeze on their porch!) But their house was the nastiest place I have EVER seen. (Jeanette says they almost lost Jessalynn ovrt the condition of their house), They had 2 huge huskies, that they never took for walks, that pooped and peed all over the house.  Jess couldn't clean their messes and Patrick said that he waited until the piles of poop were dry to pick them up.  That takes weeks!! We cleaned their floors, did the dishes and taught Patrick how to clean a baby bottle without a bottle brush. I guess Jessalynn had spent her first 2 years drinking out of dirty bottles?!! Maybe it built up her immune system?? Oh, and it screwed up her teeth being on a bottle too long. She had dentures in elementary school!!! Jess and Pat both had cars but never once offered to give us a ride. We were walking over 10 miles a day again to get to the free clinic for seizure meds for Jeremy. And Jeremy hung in there.  There was a big, heavy, exercise machine in the room they let us sleep in and it was right next to the smelly bed. I tried to push it away from the bed and herniated a disc in my back for the first time.  This put me in a wheel chair so Jeremy was walking us around pushing me in a wheelchair, that we stole from an emergency room, all those miles up and down the hills in Omaha.  We got my social security after 8 months and got the hell out of that house not long after that BUT  I insisted that we get Jess and Jessalynn out of there,  too. I took Jlynn with us and Jeremy kept going back and moving Jess's things and when he took her bed she agreed to come live with us.  Everything became about my daughters and their children for both of us. We spent a huge chunk of my settlement trying to save Jami and Kirk, get them off the streets and cleaned up.  We rented them a place but never got them off drugs back then.  Or ever.  Rob ripped me off for a couple thousand - Jeanette attended my SSI hearing and got the judge to make her my payee saying (Maybe rightly) that I would blow it all trying to save Jami. No, not rightly, I spent a few thousand on Jami, no more than her sisters got.  On and on. Jeremy had to live for this family just like I chose to even though they were ungrateful to say the least. They are often out right hateful in return.   EVERYONE complained about Jeremy being part of the family almost every day for 20 years. Tell him he stinks, tell him to stop yelling, to stop criticizing or opposing them in any way. Jeanette actually spit in his face but Jess and Jlynn were the loudest and most consistent telling me that he HAD TO GO. And those 2 and Kira were the most hateful about me finally making him go!!!!!!! Hateful. That's what Jeremy escaped.  All of it. I do wonder if it gives them a clue that he is so glad to be finally away from all of us!! To not have to live with the weight of the responsibility for everyone. They ALL think he is SLOW but he is the only one of them who realizes that leaving was the best thing that has happened to him in 20 years!! His last memory of feeling free and happy is the same as mine - before we left Texas and came back to this mess. Everyone thinks he is just glad to be away from ME but he offered me his spare room in his new apartment when I got pneumonia because he knew the family,  he knew No One was taking care of me here. I didn't tell him.  I actually lied and said they were helping me but he knew better. The days I couldn't get out of bed I almost died of dehydration - no one even offered to get me a drink. The 2 times I ended up in the ER the first thing they did was start IV fluids. Dehydrated lungs can't heal. I offered Jeremy Kira after he left because she was so hateful and he said NO but he invited Me. Makes you go Hmmm. Or it should!! He called instead of texting when I was sick so he could yell "I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU" to the manipulative bitch who made him leave. Yes. Fuck you Brandon. 

I am now here alone, still responsible for everyone. I support Jess 100%. I don't know how many times I've paid at least part of the rent for Jeanette and I still pay for all of their phones. I paid everything for Kira and Jazz to work and save to buy cars, driving 400 to 600 miles a week. I pick up Riley from school when he goes. I house Jami who has destroyed my beautiful basement. I do all of this still after losing Jeremy's income.  He was contributing most of the $1400 a month that he got to this family.  It's tough, but I still take care of all of us on my own.  Brandon made sure to use Jeremy's "mistreatment" to have a reason to Never help Jess any more. They settled in Lincoln and once in a blue moon Jlynn comes and picks up Jazz and Kira for a weekend and Jess gets to go out front and look at her daughter for a few minutes who won't even come in this house. I do think Jeanette is right about Brandon WANTING things this way. He sure was gleeful to show his disrespect and hatred to me that day in my room!! The fool thought it was a compliment when I told him that he would make a good lawyer. Sly and nasty. What's worse than 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?? 99 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean.  He would be a great one. Yes, Jeremy actually liked Brandon. He hated Jess, Jami, and Jeanette with a passion until The Final War. Then he decided Jess might be ok!! And he didn't even like Jlynn until she was with Brandon. He thought she was spoiled, not worth anything I did for her,  and mouthy, but she became part of the Brandon picture. Jeremy's thing with Brandon was a combination of things. One,  he was glad just to have another male finally!! And, even back when he used the N word all the time and made racist jokes, even back then,  he always gravitated toward black guys. Like we would go to the carnival and he would look for someone to hang out with, he would Always choose black guys. I had to point that out to him to help him see that his prejudice was just repeating things he had been taught to say growing up, the he didn't actuality hate black people.  He loved that ALL of the black guys in Texas called him The White Devil because he knocked out a man over 6 feet tall for calling Stacy a N-lover in a bar one night. Seriously,  when we walked or drove by black guys they would yell, "There's the White Devil!!" He wanted a white devil tattoo. That was another thing he hated losing moving to Nebraska! But somehow I believe it helped him attach to Brandon. Oh, and he quit using the N word when Jazz was born.  

I love and miss Jeremy. When he offered me his spare (really Katana's) room it was so tempting!! Escape this!!! I would love to be in an old folks home even, playing bingo and shuffleboard,  having companionship,  making friends   But I can't. They will lose this house without my income. Maybe Jeanette will save it after I die. I don't know . But for now,  I am stuck here. Even if I went to Jeremy,  I would need some of my income there and it takes every penny to keep everyone afloat here. Actually,  I have no clue how this works out.  Like us surviving the Covid year. It's all witchcraft. 😆